It sounds confusing when you hear these words that have come to describe these manipulative tactics, often used in coercive control dynamics and psychological/emotional abuse dynamics.
Unlike the image that popped in my head when I first heard the term, it is not describing individuals who lay down, making guttural noises, while flopping around like sea lions. Nope.
Sealioning is classified with often interchanged terms such as “weaponized incompetence”, “weaponized confusion”, or “weaponized ignorance”. These terms can be seen in a situation where an individual feigns ignorance or confusion, while fully understanding what the other person is stating.
At its heart, the intent and impact of these terms can be condensed into engaging in conversational strategies to promote “mental and emotional exhaustion” in another person.
Many individuals who utilize sealioning tend to make simple statements and ask questions that may seem innocuous, however the goal is often to “wear your opponent down”. Or as Sun Tzu would say in accordance with the book The Art of War, "wearing out your opponents’ resources".
When someone attempts to clarify the main points of the information that they are sharing, the person may then purposely distort the information shared and then continue to act confused, until the person relaying the information is psychologically worn out or exhausted.
People engaging in sealioning (aka weaponized incompetence, weaponized confusion, weaponized ignorance) may say things like:
“I don’t know what you mean by _______.”*
I’m failing to see the logic behind ______ can you explain more.”*
“I don’t understand.” (*helpless look* or "doe eyes")*
“Can you explain what you mean?”*
“So you’re saying you think it’s okay to ______ _____?(*insert wild claim that has nothing to do with what was being shared and may actually be the opposite*).*
*These statements, or similar statements are usually said repeatedly over time, with no emotional/psychological work or desire to actually understand, nor to engage in effective communication
Unfortunately, these statements can often be used in “good faith” conversations, when individuals are attempting to gain clarity on an issue, that someone is bringing to their attention. These can be helpful clarification questions, when used appropriately, and in an effort to truly understand another person. Consequently, we are not talking about genuine “good faith clarification or communication questions” in this article.
These same statements and questions asking for clarification or explanations, can be used maliciously and insidiously in “bad faith” conversations (abusive, manipulative, and/or coercive). In bad faith conversations, the goal of the other individual is often to shut the other person down, to avoid an issue or conflict, to avoid accountability, to gaslight the other person in coercive control dynamics, and/or to potentially condition someone to keep from bringing up issues that would hold the individual accountable or would bring attention to something the individual does not want to discuss in the first place.
The goal of these tactics often remains the same, to undermine another person’s mental and emotional resources. This can also lead to mental health problems related to symptoms of anxiety and depression such as chronic self-doubt, confusion, low self-esteem, replaying events and conversations over and over trying to understand (psychological rumination), physical and emotional fatigue, and on.
One of the most difficult aspects of these tactics is the appearance or illusion of sincerity or naiveté from the individual engaging in these behaviors. If you are in a relationship with an individual who does this type of behavior, it can wreak havoc on you emotionally, psychologically, and even physically, as you may work tirelessly to explain yourself and your perspectives, and often in trying to research evidence to support your viewpoints, thoughts, and feelings.
The body keeps the score. Sometimes emotional/psychological stress related inflammation can impact different people physiologically over time, with different physical symptoms or conditions developing (i.e. headaches, migraines, tinnitus, high cortisol levels, some autoimmune related issues, some gastrointestinal or digestive issues, etc.).
Victims of manipulation tactics, psychological abuse, and coercive control often can sometimes feel a need to continuously prove themselves, to the person who has been perpetrating the manipulation tactic, and sometimes to others in the perpetrators’ social group.
It can often feel like you are “going crazy” as you may end up over-explaining your logic and reasoning in why you feel and think a certain way, beyond what is healthy due to the high level of chronic invalidation, deflection, and minimization. Indeed it can often become a never ending quest to validate that you have an alternate perspective, “worthy of considering” or being listened to.
Sealioning, weaponized incompetence, weaponized confusion, weaponized ignorance, and other manipulative strategies have been depicted in many television shows such as, “Everybody Loves Raymond”, “The Big Bang Theory”, and the show “Kevin Can F**k Himself”.
Media is often a reflection or mirror of what is going on in society, while also bi-directionally influencing viewers by normalizing various behaviors to their audiences. Some of these dynamics have been depicted as appropriate, some dynamics as inappropriate but minimized, and others times as “humorous”.
People may say that "it's not that deep" or "it's just a show" however, the first step of dehumanization is through the use of humor and euphemistic jokes to downplay and minimize a situation, behavior, or statement. Media has a lot to account for in the normalization of manipulative or abusive situations, misogyny, racism, classism, toxic gender role based ideologies, and other depictions of different groups of people.
Many television shows and sitcoms have normalized psychological and psychological abuse strategies, often depicting these tactics as an “entertaining,” “harmless”, and a “funny” as a means of communication or conflict resolution. The characters in these shows listed above often engage in emotionally and psychologically abusive tactics, typically meant to invalidate and intentionally wear down their partner’s mental and emotional resources, while preserving an image of innocence and ignorance.
Due to internalized cultural misogyny, racism, classism, toxic gender role ideologies, and toxic power dynamics, these pathological coercive control and abuse strategies have been normalized as a means of entertainment within our societal power structures.
People are waking up to these tropes, stereotypes, depictions, and dynamics, how harmful they are, and how bad it really has been over time. People are deciding as a society, “we’re not going back”.
In case no one has told you, you deserve to have people who put in the work to understand you on different levels and who will respect your mind, heart, and energy. You deserve to have your feelings, perspectives, and words be considered with empathy and compassion, even if other people may have different perspectives.
You are worthy of living a life that you love and having relationships that are rooted from a place of respect, mutuality, empathy and benevolence.
Warmest regards,
Vi, The Hopeful Existentialist
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